Hollywood Said No! Read online

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  In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Bob and David would like to dedicate this book to the cast of Mr. Show… our friends, talented people, and gravely underused by Hollywood: Jay Johnston, Paul F. Tompkins, John Ennis, Brian Posehn, Jill Talley, Tom Kenny, Brett Paesel, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Jerry Minor, Scott Aukerman, B.J. Porter, and Karen Kilgariff. To Troy Miller for shining our shit to a sparkle and Eban Schletter for making us sound golden. To Mike De Luca for believing in us. To New Line for not believing in us. But mostly and sincerely to our fans—you guys have impeccable taste! And to our little man in Congress, Louie Gohmert… Go Big L!

  Preface

  Hey everybody, it’s Bob and David! Before we begin we would like to go to the ol’ future and answer our most-asked question about this lil’ book from the ol’ mailbag.

  Dear Bob and David,

  So… what… you think if you publish your stupid screenplays that somebody in Hollyweird will actually read ’em and go, “Oh my God, we screwed up so bad, we didn’t make these genius screenplays?!! We’d better fix this right away and apologize to these guys and make all their badly plotted, half-assed comedy screenplays before they, uh… what? Get us in trouble with the comedy police?!” I mean, I read your screenplays, and yeah, there were some laughs in there, but they were also kinda sloppy and waaaayy too satirical. Nobody likes satire that much, figure it out already. Anyway, I’m a fan of SOME of your work, I’ve written a few screenplays myself, but you don’t see me trying to publish them and cutting down the last remaining trees so I can have a pity party in public. Anyway… good luck, I guess… and hey, if you’d read one of my screenplays I’d appreciate it. I got one that’s about these two guys named Dob and Bavid who catch a chupacabra and train it, it’s kind of an updated, cinema verité* How To Train Your Dragon.

  Seriously,

  George Szondorski

  Thanks for your letter from the future, George, and now here’s our answer: No, we don’t think Hollywood people will read this book and think they made a mistake. We’ll get to that in the Introduction. We are publishing these scripts because we, like you, are fans of “SOME” of our work. Where we disagree with you is in your dismissive reference to us cutting down trees. The trees have been man’s worst enemy on Earth since the dawn of creation. Guess who killed the dinosaurs? The trees did. It’s them or us and this is one small step in the right direction. Also, YES, we will read your screenplay! This sounds wonderful! Two guys who train a legendary mystical creature from south of the border! It’s got international sales written all over it in green ink! If it’s not a problem, we would like to make it an animated mockumentary for the web only! Send it ASAP—this is gonna go good!

  Now, to everyone else, welcome to the book of screenplays that never got made. We hope you get some laughs out of it.

  Introduction: A Brief History and Context of the Scripts Herein

  Ah, Hollywood, you giveth and you taketh away, like a colicky two-year old being fed oysters. One never knows what gems or turds will manage to squirt through Hollywood’s labyrinthine system and get made, their filmic fate then to be decided upon by an even more fickle populace. Will it be Animal House? Or will it be Bio-Dome ? One can never be certain. We got to make a movie once. But more on that later. For, you see…

  You hold in your hands a couple of movie scripts (and then some) that we wrote in reasonable anticipation of being able to get them made. Meaning these scripts were written after ending the run of Mr. Show with Bob and David. And with that small, yet real, measure of success in mind, the obvious next step for our rag-tag group was to write and make a movie. And of course! Why wouldn’t we? Corky Romano? Beverly Hills Ninja? Snowboard Academy? Joe Dirt? With these and several others as examples of the then-current crop of comedies getting made, why wouldn’t we believe a Mr. Show movie could do the box-office business that the aforementioned movies would do? And, hopefully, the business would be just enough to allow us to then make more films.

  Well we, along with fellow Mr. Show writer/performers Scott Aukerman, B.J. Porter, and Brian Posehn did write that movie, and Troy Miller, our director/producer extraordinaire at Mr. Show, directed and edited it. It was called Run Ronnie Run, and unfortunately, it wasn’t very good. But enough virtual ink has been spilled on that sorry saga, and if you bought this book, it’s probably safe to assume you know the tortured history of it already and don’t need to hear our rehashed whining again, again.

  But it does provide context for this book. And helps answer the rhetorical question, why exactly are we putting out a book of film scripts that never got made?

  Well, because we think they’re funny and that you will enjoy reading them.

  The first one we wrote (chronologically) is Hooray for America! (although it’s not the first script you’ll find in this book). Hooray! is a more high-concept story than we had explored on Mr. Show but the kind of thing we may have progressed toward if there were to have been a fifth season.* It’s a linear story where we (and the Mr. Show cast) would play multiple roles, and several different tones of comedy are represented. But we decided that perhaps it was too high-concept to be our first movie, so we went back to the drawing board. That was where Run Ronnie Run came in, and, well, we all know how that turned out. But we were determined to make a movie, so it was back, once again, to the drawing board. This time we decided to give America what it really needed—a great sketch movie. This was Bob and David Make a Movie. It is the first script you will encounter in this book.

  We were convinced we might actually be able to persuade someone in Hollywood (anyone!) to finance this script and get it made. In other words: cheap, not particularly challenging, and unarguably funny. We didn’t know that we had reached our nadir already.

  Bob and David Make a Movie starts immediately with us talking to each other and to camera. It feels very familiar to the first few minutes of Mr. Show: we greet the audience and each other, a situation presents itself, it then quickly spins into something else entirely, then leads us into our first sketch, and ultimately winds back around to a satisfying ending that recalls the beginning. Much simpler than Hooray!, more “Bob and Davidy” than Run Ronnie Run, and much, much more like Mr. Show—the lady that brought us to the dance in the first place, as it were. And the fact that we and our cast again would play multiple roles in that story as well was always exciting for us.

  Needless to say, Hooray for America! and Bob and David Make a Movie were never made. And never will be. They were written for two exciting, up-and-coming comedy writer/actors in their late thirties who were coming off of a still-relevant cult comedy show to make. That ship has not only sailed but has been dry-docked and turned into a museum. But know that there is no bitterness here; we are happy in our lives and professions. Often things don’t work out like one would hope (Let’s Go to Prison, Freak Show) and sometimes they do (Breaking Bad, Arrested Development)—that’s life. But we decided that rather than have all of this stuff languish on a couple of bookshelves in Brooklyn and L.A., we’d release it into the wild, complete with reminiscences, illustrations, and extra jokey-jokes for you to enjoy.

  See you in 2015!

  Bob and David

  BOB AND DAVID MAKE A MOVIE

  by Bob Odenk
irk, David Cross, and Brian Posehn

  First draft on August 4th, 2003

  ANIMATED WARNINGS

  MUSIC: Upbeat fanfare throughout

  NOTE: This opening piece is animated with cheap computer graphics (circa: the DIRE STRAITS video “Money For Nothing”) which correspond to the announcement. In addition, it should be scratchy, with skips, like it’s been shown for years—

  WE SEE: Klieg lights waving madly, pull in to…

  GIANT THEATRE MARQUEE with the title: “TONIGHT’S FEATURE-LENGTH MOVING PICTURE!”

  ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

  Congratulations, you’re attending our feature film presentation! This theatre has been voted the most polite theatre in America for five years running! Please adhere to our strict standards of conduct for everyone’s enjoyment! Remember, no talking or chitchat during the film. Please turn off all beepers for the duration of the movie! When enjoying refreshments, chew with your mouth closed and daub your lips with freshly laundered kerchiefs! Gentlemen, bow when a lady passes. Ladies, curtsy when a man passes… gas. Please refrain from soiling our bathrooms with your waste. Bathrooms are open for viewing five minutes before the movie, and five minutes after. When leaving the theatre please head straight home, do not stop to talk to strangers, friends, or family. Upon arriving home, lock and bolt your door. Sever all telephone lines, and board windows. Kill your spouse and leave their brains out on the front porch for the zombies to eat. Then, kneel beside your bed and pray to me, and I’ll come to you in the night to tell you how to live. Now, sit back, and enjoy this feature-length moving picture presentation! Light up those cigarettes and start talkiiiiiinnng nowww!!!

  DIP TO BLACK

  MUSIC: Tense suspense theme, building

  OPEN ON: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD

  Shot with hi-def, handheld, VIDEO. We are in a small group of looky-loo TOURISTS watching a scene from a movie being shot.

  There is a camera crane above the scene of a spaceship which has crashed and is giving off smoke. A small mob of NERDY-LOOKING GUYS mill about. The DIRECTOR, sitting in a set chair with the name “Famous Mortimer,” starts the scene.

  DIRECTOR

  Okay, everybody in place? Okay, let’s make this really intense. And… action!

  The NERD MOB wave sticks, scream, and attack some unseen VICTIMS.

  NERDS

  Kill ’em! Get ’em!

  The crane rises over this mob scene, and when it gets to its maximum height, the Director steps up.

  DIRECTOR

  Cut! Print! That was great! We got it!

  The crew applauds. The tourists disperse… we pick out Bob and David from the tourist crowd and lead them as they walk down Hollywood Boulevard.

  BOB

  Wow, David, huh?

  DAVID

  Yeah, Bob, movie magic!

  BOB

  (looking around)

  Where?

  DAVID

  Right there, what we just saw.

  BOB

  Oh. Yeah.

  Bob talks to camera.

  BOB (CONT’D)

  Hello, I’m Bob.

  DAVID

  Oh, hi, I’m David.

  BOB

  We’re here in Hollywood, California, to make a movie. You might recognize us from your TV set.

  Bob waves to a TOURIST and his WIFE.

  ANGLE ON: Tourist

  TOURIST

  Keep it movin’ honey, a pansy just hit on me.

  DAVID

  Anyway we’re both very excited to make a movie for you. Hey man, what’s our movie about?

  BOB

  That’ll take care of itself. First thing we need is money. Let’s start thinking about product placement.

  A TEENAGER on a skateboard screeches to halt in front of Bob and David.

  BOB AND DAVID

  Whoa!

  DAVID

  What’s up, kiddo?

  TEENAGER

  (into camera)

  You guys are cool, but the coolest thing on two wheels is the new Flo-Tex tampon.

  He holds up a brightly labeled box.

  BOB

  Aren’t tampons for women?

  TEENAGER

  That’s what you think, old man! I’ve got that fresh, easy feeling right now.

  DAVID

  Wow! I want that, too!

  TEENAGER

  You’ll have to skate me for it!

  He skates away, and a jingle plays.

  JINGLE SINGER (V.O.)

  Flo-tex for meeeeennn…

  Freshness for aaaaalllll.…

  Flo-Tex tampons fall from the sky on happy Bob and David.

  ANGLE ON: Abe Lincoln

  ABE LINCOLN

  Ask not what a tampon can do for you… but what Flo-tex can do for a tampon!

  ANGLE ON: David

  DAVID

  Now in apricot!

  MUSIC: Commercial Theme ends

  Resume Bob and David on the street, natural sounds, handheld look, etc.

  BOB

  So how much did we make for that?

  DAVID

  (putting wad of bills in pocket)

  We’re set, we got our dough.

  BOB

  Great. So let’s make the movie!

  ANGLE ON: David, he is standing in front of a poster for a dumb movie called Stupid and Stinky-er which features two retarded characters (Bob and David), teeth blocked out, one smelling the other’s fart and smiling. David rants in front of this image.

  DAVID

  Bob, they don’t just let you “make” a movie. You can’t just go out there with no original idea, nothing to say, and no talent to not say it with and make a movie.

  BOB

  Of course not, David, I never—

  DAVID

  You have to fill out a form first.

  BOB

  Oh.

  DAVID

  Come on…

  They turn and enter a nondescript DMV-type building.

  BOB AND DAVID APPLY FOR MOVIE

  SIGN: “Hollywood Town Hall”

  INT. CITY OFFICE

  MUSIC: Muzak, atmosphere

  Bob and David enter and look around. The place is crowded like a DMV. Various HOLLYWOOD TYPES wait in line. A JANITOR notices them all disoriented.

  JANITOR

  (by rote)

  If you got a comedy follow the blue line, if it’s a drama, yellow line, documentary is out back behind the Dumpster.

  The three windows are marked: Drama, Comedy, Indie.

  BOB

  Blue line.

  ANGLE ON: The COMEDY window. CARLOTTA, a black lady clerk, is listening to Kevin Smith, and thoughtlessly leafing through his latest script.

  CARLOTTA

  Okay Mr. Kevin Smith, good to see you again.

  KEVIN

  Thanks. I can’t wait to make another film.

  CARLOTTA

  Okay. Do you have any stars in it?

  KEVIN SMITH

  I’m trying to get Shannon Elizabeth.

  CARLOTTA

  So… I’ll put that down as a “no.” How about special effects?

  KEVIN SMITH

  No, no, it’s total low-budget.

  CARLOTTA

  Mm-hm. I don’t know… has it got farts in it?

  KEVIN

  Well, it’s sort of a “farce,” I guess…

  CARLOTTA

  No, “farts.” T-S.

  KEVIN SMITH

  (very positive)

  Oh, yeah! Big fart sequence.

  CARLOTTA

  You got it, honey. Here’s your slip. Get your essentials and I’ll stamp it for ya.

  She hands him a slip and he exits, happily. JAMIE KENNEDY steps up to the window.

  CARLOTTA (CONT’D)

  Jamie Kennedy, what have you cooked up for me this time?

  JAMIE

  (excited)

  Okay, my movie is called Invisible Dude, about a guy who turns invisible when he gets nervous.

  She doe
sn’t respond.

  JAMIE (CONT’D)

  And… he likes this girl, has to conquer his problem, but then on his wedding day right before he’s about to get married, his fiancée tells him her parents hate… invisible people.

  Carlotta tries to hold back laughter, but busts up.

  CARLOTTA

  Jamie Kennedy, you did it again! Hilarious! And pointed! Very well done!

  JAMIE

  Thank you.

  She hands him a blue slip.

  CARLOTTA

  Here’s your blue slip, go fill it out, get your things, and come back and I’ll stamp it. Next!

  Bob and David step up to her window.

  CARLOTTA (CONT’D)

  Who are you and what’s your movie?

  BOB

  We’re Bob and David. We want to make a funny movie.

  CARLOTTA

  What’s it about?

  DAVID

  All kinds of stuff. Just the funniest stuff we got.

  BOB

  Just funny, y’know?

  CARLOTTA

  You got any stars attached?

  BOB

  Uhh… no, just us.

  She laughs.

  DAVID

  So if you’ll just give us one of those slips, then we’ll get on our way.

  CARLOTTA

  No. Not today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on break.